LONDON – While browsing the website for the Family Planning Association, the national affiliate for the International Planned Parenthood Federation in the United Kingdom, I came across a creepy guide for parents: “talking with children aged 5-8.”

The FPA advises parents that 5-8 year old children “need to know” about “Periods and wet dreams” and “How a baby is made,” for example.

Parents should tell their young kids who want to know how a baby is made by explaining,

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“Babies are made when a mummy and daddy love each other and are feeling sexy. When they both want to, they have a special cuddle. The daddy puts his penis into the mummy’s vagina.”

Because a 5-year-old totally can relate to what “feeling sexy” means, right?

Obviously, five-year-olds are also very curious about how to stop an infection during sex. Fortunately, the FTA has advice for parents on this burning question (no pun intended). If a child wants to know what a condom is, the FTA says that parents should tell kids:

“You roll it down a man’s penis like a little jacket. What comes out of his penis (the sperm) stays in the condom. If he’s having sex with a woman it stops the sperm getting inside her and making her pregnant. It can help to stop people getting an infection too.”

Small children also need to know about same-sex marriage, naturally. The FTA advises that in explaining what “gay” means, parents should say:

“This when a man loves men in the same way that men and women love each other. Women who love women are called lesbians.”

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The FPA also has advice for speaking with kids and teens about a wide range of issues, such as “Homophobic bullying,”for teens and “oral sex” for 9-13 year-old children.