SAN FRANCISCO – Students engaging in sexual activities with their peers should ask for explicit consent every 10 minutes, according to California lawmakers.

Under legislation signed by Gov. Jerry Brown this month, California’s public schools must now teach the concept of affirmative consent to students, otherwise known as “yes means yes,” The New York Times reports.

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The controversial bill makes California the first state to require learn affirmative consent, which is essentially the opposite of “no means no,” in that it requires students to get explicit consent from any partner during each step of a sexual encounter, according to the site.

“What does that mean – you have to say ‘yes’ every 10 minutes?” Urban School of San Francisco student Aidan Ryan, 16, asked during a recent lesson on the concept with 10^th graders.

“Pretty much,” health teacher Ahafia Zaloom said. “It’s not a timing thing, but whoever initiates things to another level has to ask.”

Students struggled to brainstorm ways to constantly ask for consent that didn’t come off as unnatural or weird.

“They crossed off a list of options: ‘Can I touch you there?’ Too clinical. ‘Do you want to do this?’ Too tentative. ‘Do you like that?’ Not direct enough,” the Times reports.

“They’re all really awkward and bizarre,” one girl said.

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The California legislation comes a year after lawmakers required the state’s colleges to begin using an affirmative consent standard when assessing student sex complaints, and other states like Maryland, Michigan and Utah are considering similar measures.

Currently, affirmative consent is not a legal standard, and neither high school or college students must prove they obtained affirmative consent in a court of law if accused of a sex crime. But college disciplinary decisions must use the standard, which means students could be kicked out of school or face other sanctions if they can’t prove their partner explicitly said “yes” to each step of a sexual encounter.

The similar law also went into effect for New York universities this year.

The Federalist’s Robert Carle explained what it all means.

“Under these policies, any student who cannot prove that he obtained active, ongoing, unambiguous consent to any sexual activity will automatically be guilty of violating campus sexual assault policies,” Carle wrote this spring. “These draconian new rules are binding only on college students. They do not apply to college faculties and administrators, and they certainly don’t apply to the legislators who passed these laws.”

Carle argues the new approach “trivializes sexual assault by turning nearly everyone who has ever dated into a sexual offender. For example, if a student throws her arms around her boyfriend and kisses him without his permission, even if she has done this dozens of times before, she has violated affirmative consent policies.”

He also provided in depth background and legal analysis from critics, and pointed to an anonymous letter submitted to The Atlantic last fall that details exactly how affirmative consent plays out in real life.

The student wrote:

I am a recent graduate, and want to share with you a few of my experiences that I think are illustrative of why the new affirmative-consent laws are out of touch with the reality of the human experience. I hope they can be of some value to the debate.

I was raised by a left-leaning, feminist family who (at least I thought at the time) were relatively open about sex. But while I arrived at college with a healthy respect for women, I was totally unprepared for the complex realities of female sexuality.

“Oh,” sighed one platonic female friend after we had just watched Harrison Ford grab Alison Doody and kiss her is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, “Why don’t guys do that kind of thing anymore? Now days they are all too scared.”

On our second night together, one of my first partners threw up her hands in disgust. “How am I supposed to get turned on when you keep asking for permission for everything like a little boy?” She said. “Just take me and fuck me already.”

She didn’t stay with me for long.

This would be a recurring theme. More than once I saw disappointment in the eyes of women when I didn’t fulfill the leadership role they wanted me to perform in the bedroom. I realized that women don’t just desire men, they desire men’s desire―and often they don’t want to have to ask for it. I also realized that I was in many ways ashamed of my own sexual desire as a man, and that this was not healthy.

At this point I was experiencing some cognitive dissonance with my upbringing, but in time learned to take an assertive lead unless I got a “no” or otherwise thought I was about to cross a boundary as indicated by body language.

One night I ended up back in a girl’s room after a first date (those do happen in college). She had invited me in and was clearly attracted to me. We were kissing on her bed, outer layers of clothing removed, but when my hands wandered downward she said, “No, wait.” I waited. She began kissing me again, passionately, so again I moved to remove her underwear. “Stop,” she said, “this is too fast.” I stopped.

“That’s fine,” I said. I kissed her again and left soon after, looking forward to seeing her again.

But my text messages received only cold, vaguely angry replies, and then silence. I was rather confused. Only many weeks later did I find out the truth from one of her close friends: “She really wanted you, but you didn’t make it happen. She was pretty upset that you didn’t really want her.”

“Why didn’t she just say so then, why did she say we were moving too fast?”

“Of course she said that, you dumbass. She didn’t want you to think she was a slut.”

Talk about confusing. Apparently in this case even no didn’t mean no. It wasn’t the last time I’ve come across “token resistance” that is intended to be overcome either. But that’s a line that I am still uncomfortable with testing, for obvious reasons.

But I have learned not to ask when it clearly isn’t necessary, or desired.

One of my fondest sexual experiences started with making eye contact across a room, moved to a dance floor, and then to an empty bathroom. Not a single word was ever spoken, because none had to be. We both knew and understood. I was a man and she was a woman, and we found ourselves drawn together in that beautiful way that men and women have been since a time immemorial, a time long before language was ever spoken.

Today in California this would be considered rape. I find that very sad. Women are not infantile. They can make their own decisions about sex, and that includes being able to say no―even if they don’t want to have to say yes.

Regards,

Anonymous